I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
