see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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