I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
