The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
