Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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