We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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