guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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