Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
