I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
