Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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