Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
