I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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