I'm eating all of the evidence.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize