I heard we made out
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
