Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
there was a trapeze. enough said
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
