i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My dick has a subreddit
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
