I cockslap morals
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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