Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
This is classic penis vs brain.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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