I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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