Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
