a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
