I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
