i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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