he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
