Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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