The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
