this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
