my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
