Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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