We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
