i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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