I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
