Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
