Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
