Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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