I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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