We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
