you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
