This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
