I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
