It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize