I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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