his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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