Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
