Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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