I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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