I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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