that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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