she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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