I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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