omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
