dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
