Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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