Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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