Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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