Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
