I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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