Need sex. Gaining weight.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
