Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
