Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize