I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
