apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize